Lenny Bruce Quotes

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

Alright, let’s admit it, we Jews killed Christ – but it was only for three days.

I hate small towns because once you’ve seen the cannon in the park there’s nothing else to do.

You can’t do anything with anybody’s body to make it dirty to me. Six people, eight people, one person – you can do only one thing to make it dirty: kill it. Hiroshima was dirty.

It’s the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.

Communism is like one big phone company.

A lot of people say to me, ‘Why did you kill Christ?’ I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

If God made the body, and the body is dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.

There are no dirty words, only dirty minds.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

The ‘what should be’ never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no ‘what should be,’ there is only what is.

Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.

I don’t have an act. I just talk. I’m just Lenny Bruce.

Darwin’s theory is as dead as he is. Everyone is surviving, fit or not. Years ago, any kid dumb enough to chase a shiny object down a well was dead, and out of the gene pool. Now they got the technology and medicine to save the fool so he can breed more open mouth breathers.

Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy a terrible, terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago.

Today, I give my daughter what I really didn’t have as a kid: all the silly, dumb, extravagant, frilly, nonfunctional toys I can force on her. She probably wants an encyclopedia.

When you’re eight years old nothing is your business.

I think it’s about time we gave up religion and got back to God.

Once the country was settled and built, the bosses changed the order from a stack of educated workers to a barrel of minimum wage lottery dreamers.

I’ll die young, but it’s like kissing God.

I’m not a comedian. And I’m not sick. The world is sick, and I’m the doctor. I’m a surgeon with a scalpel for false values.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

I don’t read enough books, so I guess I’m pretty shallow. I’m a lot into the physical. With me, first attraction is never intellectual.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can’t fake it… try to fake three laughs in an hour – ha ha ha ha ha – they’ll take you away, man. You can’t.

There’s a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can’t make any bread helping the poor.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian.

Freedom of speech is a two way street, man. You have the right to say whatever you want and the Boss has a right to tell the police to arrest you.

You got a million drug laws now because the bosses figured there was more money in putting people in jail than taxing something anyone can grow on a window sill.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin’ back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they’re gone.

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

I would be with a bunch of Kennedy fans watching the debate, and their comment would be, ‘He’s really slaughtering Nixon.’ Then we would all go to another apartment, and the Nixon fans would say, ‘How do you like the shellacking he gave Kennedy?’

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

There are never enough I Love You’s.

I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.