Justin Halpern Quotes.
My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys.
My dad is awesome.
You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.
Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, ‘Breakfast of Champions’ is one of the funniest books I’ve ever read.
I was an angst-y journal writing kid.
On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts “It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing…. Well, I’ll just say it’s never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you.
The Internet has really democratized ideas. There are no real gatekeepers any more, because if you have a great idea, and you put it online, people will find it and it will get in front of who it needs to get in front of.
You go ahead. I’d rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds’ urine.
On Furnishing One’s Home – Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it.
The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He’s not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it.
You’re like a tornado of bullshit right now. We’ll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else’s house.
I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.
Why would you throw a ball in someone’s face?…Huh. That’s a pretty good reason. Well, I can’t do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.
That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won’t screw you. Don’t do it for them.
When it’s asshole-tightening time, that’s when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.
If it’s not bourbon or sweatpants, it’s going in the garbage…. No, don’t get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.
Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with women, from my earliest memories to present day, and see if I had learned anything that might inform my decision.
