Quick Access

Joke Quotes

Joke Quotes by Josh Hutcherson, Dolly Parton, Phil Elverum, Walton Goggins, Rita Rudner, Emily Weiss and many others.

I think those that are holier-than-thou don’t make jokes. They take themselves too seriously and Peeta doesn’t take himself too seriously. This is what I believe in and I’m comfortable with that and I can make a joke here and there.
Josh Hutcherson
I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‘Dang, she looks good for her age!’
Dolly Parton
Somebody from Pitchfork Festival wanted me to have a Microphones reunion. It’s a joke. It’s just me.
Phil Elverum
I’m not good at telling a joke, but I can say a line in a certain way that makes people uncomfortable because they don’t know whether to laugh or not, and I love that comedy.
Walton Goggins
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Rita Rudner
I’m surrounded by women whose style I admire. It’s natural to be inspired. I’m not a horrible copycat, or if I am, then I admit it and make a joke about it.
Emily Weiss
I love doing great entertainment, but I like the joke to be on me. I don’t want to take advantage of some poor person and dog ’em out and let the chips fall.
Terry Crews
I get so happy when I write a joke. It’s a very satisfying, liberating feeling.
Rita Rudner
My biggest superhero of writing is Jorge Luis Borges, the Argentine fabulist. He’s an amazingly perceptive writer, but also willing to make a joke.
John Hodgman
I don’t try to impress people. Sometimes my jokes can be very harsh; I’m very sarcastic. I would joke about something disgusting, and my agent might be like, ‘OK, maybe leave that behind for this one meeting. The burping? Maybe don’t do that.’
Barbara Palvin
This is the joke of me being a part of ‘Lost’: I haven’t met three-quarters of that cast.
Sonya Walger
Now, everybody, I suppose, is aware that in recent years the silly business of divination by dreams has ceased to be a joke and has become a very serious science.
Arthur Machen
As we all know, Aquaman is somewhat the butt of the joke in the superhero world.
James Wan
I have done things politically, and I’ve been running a business at the same time, but I sort of joke that to some extent I do more than most legislators have done in their whole careers, and I’ve been doing it as a part-time job.
Craig Benson
I have some bad feet. But really, my main fault would probably be my personality. A lot of times, I am not serious enough. I joke around too much sometimes.
Tim Hudson
My friends would always joke that I’m ‘the grandmother’ and ‘the homebody’ because I can’t stay up past nine o’clock, but a lot of that rest is so important for me.
Molly Qerim
Basically, we used to have a rule at ‘Saturday Night Live’ that you’re not allowed to bring up ‘The Simpsons’ at the rewrite table, because ‘The Simpsons’ has done every joke there is. Every week there would be guys going, ‘The Simpsons did that.’ I go, ‘C’mon.’ And ‘South Park,’ too.
Adam McKay
The bad thing about being a famous comedian is that every now and then someone approaches me to tell an old joke. Don’t tell me jokes – I have that. People also say the weirdest things, sometimes sarcastic things, and even evil things. They like to provoke to get a reaction.
Robin Williams
We feel that what’s too far is when you make a joke and somebody gets hurt.
Bobby Farrelly
Barack Obama is like the old joke about boats. The two best days of owning a boat are the day you buy it and the day you sell it.
Howie Carr
It would be really hard to get serious about anything political today unless it was a joke.
Carla Bley
Sometimes I know a joke I’m going to yell out ahead of time, but most of the time it’s stream of conscious. You never really know it until you’ve got everyone dressed up, the set is built, all the extras are here.
Adam McKay
Even as a child, I would get film offers, and all my friends would tease me saying, ‘You will also be an actor like your father,’ or ‘Don’t forget us.’ I always took it as a joke, but subconsciously, I felt maybe this was my true calling.
Tiger Shroff
I couldn’t afford to get sick in prison. My sickle cell is no joke, so I couldn’t eat poorly or not exercise. And everything in jail is designed to do the exact opposite.
All he cares about is going out there with his Jack Daniels bottle. Nothing has changed. That’s kind of sad. If David was doing better than he used to be, then that would be different. But it was a joke and he made it that way.
Sammy Hagar
The Soviet Union represents a threat in terms of might. It is a joke in terms of its economy and what it has to offer the Third World – a laughingstock to countries that are looking for an economic-development model.
Jack Kemp
When a kid can understand that a word can mean two things, there’s some real thinking going on. They have a vested interest in finding out what a word means, because it’s the punch line to a joke.
Brian P. Cleary
I was watching tennis on TV, and between games, they were showing a commercial for a tennis school. I wrote down the number, gave it to my mom, and said, ‘This is what I want to do.’ She thought it was a joke, but I was very stubborn, and I kept bringing it up.
Ana Ivanovic
I do a lot of public speaking and presentations and I’ll always start with a self-deprecating joke to make everybody feel comfortable with my size because there can be hang-ups and anxieties.
Warwick Davis
In my deepest parts of sadness, I’m always making a joke or being sarcastic.
Lea Thompson
I am one of those guys who could do the most emotional scene and crack a joke instantly. I’m lucky. I’m just like an idiot savant. I have one enormously enjoyable, pleasurable – for me – talent, which is being able to act.
James Woods
The very phrase ‘Oscar night’ used to accelerate my pulse. For one thing – dating myself – it meant Bob Hope. He always had good, strong jokes, that faultless delivery, and always a new joke about his own films’ failure – once again – to be honored.
Dick Cavett
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.
Milton Berle
Eventually I was saying to myself, maybe it would be better, instead of trying to become an American comedian in France, to mix those two styles and those two genres. Because of course it’s good to be efficient and sharp, and to have a joke every twenty seconds, but it can be a little cold and dry.
Gad Elmaleh
You can read Kant by yourself, if you wanted to; but you must share a joke with someone else.
Robert Louis Stevenson
Writing comedy is an exposing thing because you’re putting yourself on the line with every joke you write, and although you can’t second-guess an audience, if you want to be successful, you have to write stuff people like.
Catherine Tate
With music, you’re laying it all out there. They’re judging you right away, and you can lose them quick. With the comedy, you’ve always got another joke to redeem yourself. Or, even if you’ve only got one joke, at least the punch line is at the end. Then they have to at least pay attention until the end.
Kevin Nealon
Back in the day, if someone said that hip hop and rap was a fad, that was a joke to me because they just didn’t know what they were talking about. In reality, there were so many people who didn’t know what they were talking about it.
Jam Master Jay
I feel dyslexia is a strong point in me now. I usually joke that it’s like a superpower – you only have it if you’ve got it!
James William Middleton
I make funny videos. I hate saying I’m a comedian because then people stick their finger in your face and demand you tell a joke. But the other thing people call me is ‘a YouTube sensation,’ which is even worse.
Katie Nolan
I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he’s ruined it. I can’t make another joke about him.
Joan Rivers
Am I over existing or am I over existing? That’s my inside joke.
Ryan Trecartin
I’ve never seen Kendrick Lamar crack a joke, and I’ve met him, but I’m sure he’s hilarious, too, just because he’s so good at rapping. J. Cole is a funny guy as well. Drake is funny. But who’s the funniest guy I’ve met who is a rapper? I would say 50 Cent.
Jay Pharoah
If you write a novel where war is nothing but hell and no one experiences excitement or cracks a dark joke, then you’re not actually admitting the full experience.
Phil Klay
I took my daughters to see Plastic Ono Band at the Orpheum in L.A. in 2012. It was an amazing experience because she is such a revolutionary artist. Everybody was like, ‘Oh, it’s Yoko, it’s such a joke.’ But it’s no joke what she did, visually and musically. It’s incredible.
Pamela Adlon
I don’t dismiss the music that I was involved with, I don’t think it was a joke, I don’t think it was funny or a phase, I don’t think it was just something I was doing back then, to me it was who I am. It connects all the way through. I don’t distance myself from any of it.
Ian MacKaye
It would be a bitter cosmic joke if we destroy ourselves due to atrophy of the imagination.
Martha Gellhorn
I legit can not parallel park. This is no joke!
Jennifer Damiano
I used to joke for years that I was a black man. I adopted the black culture, the black race. I married a black woman, and I had black kids. I always considered myself a ‘brother.’
Tommy Chong
Being on ‘The Office’ prepared me for drama. Comedy got me ready, but once you get down to it, they’re two sides of the same thing. I mean, the delivery has to be different – in drama, there’s more time to breathe, and comedy’s all about hitting the joke.
Craig Robinson
I think because people can’t understand our style, they think it’s a joke. Our music isn’t intellectual – we make music for the common man.
Watkin Tudor Jones
In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
Anthony Jeselnik
Who am I to say CM Punk is a joke?
Donald Cerrone
I was at a photo shoot, and I was wearing a cross necklace that my mom bought me, and somebody made a joke like, ‘Why are you wearing a cross? Like you would be religious.’ And then they took it away. I was really affected by that. The whole thing made me realize that I do want a cross with me at all times.
Kate Upton
I mean, I’ve had bartenders and waiters and waitresses make a comment about a joke of mine, like pointing out some sort of logic error or something that I’ve never even thought about, and they’re right.
Todd Barry
I haven’t had television since 1991, and it definitely influences me. As a child of the 1970s, I couldn’t hold a narrative in my head; I was lucky if I could hold a joke in my head, because every time you turn on television or radio, it wipes the slate clean – at least in my case.
Chuck Palahniuk
Completely committed to adapting ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. This is not a joke. Christian Grey and Ana: potentially great cinematic characters.
Bret Easton Ellis
People confuse the subject of the joke with the target of the joke, and they’re very rarely the same.
Ricky Gervais
British politics, as the world knows, is a joke. Yet it’s rarely funny.
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don’t have a regime.
Jon Stewart
When I was coaching with the Patriots, the players pulled a practical joke and I said, ‘Do you think I’m Charlie the Tuna, like a sucker?’ After that, they called me Tuna.
Bill Parcells
I loved Omar Vizquel. He tells some really long jokes, and he has his own way of telling them, but he can make every joke very funny. He would always come up with jokes on the loudspeaker on the bus.
Steve Finley
At nine, my mom used to tell me she saw an Olympic medalist in me. I used to take it as a joke, but she was very serious.
Saina Nehwal
The joke newspaper, it says Canada abandons the monarchy.
Mark McKinney
It’s hard talking about acting, in a way, because it’s like explaining a joke: I do think it loses something in the telling.
Martin Freeman
My first joke was about a company called Five Star Parking that was all over Philadelphia: ‘Who’s reviewing parking lots?’
Adam McKay
That was really so upsetting when you are trying to pass on some very serious knowledge and be basically, treated worse than a student coming off the street because his father pays the tuition. Come on. Give me a break. This is no school. This is a joke.
Miroslav Vitous
Any time you can be with like-minded people, laughing or crying over the same joke or the same scene… For me, it’s therapeutic. You just feel a little less alone on the planet.
Michael De Luca
So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‘That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.’ How fun is that?
Tom Brady
Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.
I’m not big on fat jokes. That’s a little beneath me. I’m not a huge fan of making a joke – and as I say this, I’m sure I do it – completely at someone else’s expense.
Michael Showalter
You could read Kant by yourself, if you wanted; but you must share a joke with some one else.
Robert Louis Stevenson
There is a standard joke in the family. Probably we should go into selling second-hand shoes.
Ferdinand Marcos
I don’t do plays without jokes anymore. I’ve retired from those plays. I think it’s bad manners to invite people to sit in the dark for two and a half hours and not tell them the joke.
Bill Nighy
Be not affronted at a joke. If one throw salt at thee, thou wilt receive no harm, unless thou art raw.
Oliver Goldsmith
When the Mets were on their run in the 1980s, Gary Carter was often seen hugging somebody. It was easy to joke about that. The best hug of all was with Jesse Orosco at the end of the 1986 World Series.
George Vecsey
Anything where we’re the butt of the joke, no one tells us about it.
Chris Martin
I like a naturalism to my dialogue and my comedy. I would rather have a few jokes sail by that might be more subtle than have every single joke hit hard. I would rather the comedy come out of character as opposed to feeling forced. Even if you’re giving some laughs up for it.
Jon Favreau
In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.
Roseanne Barr
If I can relate to the joke, it’s going to be funny.
Sebastian Maniscalco
Wearing heels is no joke.
Ryan McCartan
To this day, if you gave me $1,000, I really can’t stand up – You can tell a joke. You’re a good storyteller and a good joke teller.
Don Rickles
I’ve been burn when it comes to my hair that it ain’t no joke.
Jenifer Lewis
My friends are people who like building cool stuff. We always have this joke about people who want to just start companies without making something valuable. There’s a lot of that in Silicon Valley.
Mark Zuckerberg
My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.
Muhammad Ali
I always made the joke that I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when Warner Brothers first put ‘Tusk’ on and listened to it in their boardroom as a follow-up to ‘Rumours.’
Lindsey Buckingham
There is a joke that your hammer will always find nails to hit. I find that perfectly acceptable.
Benoit Mandelbrot
I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
I used to joke that, since breastfeeding, my boobs looked like an old athletic sock with some loose change at the bottom, so when I felt a lump the size of a marble, I knew something was terribly wrong.
Jessica St. Clair
Americans do believe in progress and there is almost certainly a kernel of truth in the joke.
Alan Dundes
A joke is a joke. There’s an expression – I don’t know if you have it – that’s ‘adding insult to injury.’
Jon Stewart
When you become fluent with language, it means you can write an entry in your journal or tell a joke to someone or write a letter to a friend. And it’s similar with new technologies.
Mitchel Resnick
The Pakistan Cricket Board is a long-standing joke, its chairmen replaced with every change of government.
Tariq Ali
It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.
Gilbert K. Chesterton
The whole idea of a spokesman is a joke and a fraud if you drop someone like a hot potato if there’s controversy.
Jerry Della Femina
Directing a movie is serious, it’s not a joke.
Fred Durst
I always joke that I’m a British actress trying to break into Scandinavian TV.
MyAnna Buring
In life there are always these things happening if you can just get the joke.
Lynda Barry
I once did a flip-flop joke in San Diego, and I got booed… but it’s all in good fun.
Sebastian Maniscalco
I think very long and hard about every possibly offensive joke I want to make. I really hate mean humor and would hate to make anyone reading my jokes feel truly bad.
Megan Amram
Lacroix has been fantastic. He’s very nice. He gets the joke, and I think that’s a good thing.
Jennifer Saunders
I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‘The Colour of Magic’ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‘The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.’
Terry Pratchett
On stage you look much larger than you are. You can have subtle changes of timing; how you place a punch line in a joke or movement or emotion according to an audience.
Sylvester McCoy
Anything that I’m passionate about and surprises me usually ends up turning into a joke simply because I have questions about it and I’m curious and I want to talk about it.
Katherine Ryan
I made a good living being a tough guy on TV, but I’d rather laugh and joke all day long than try to be a tough guy.
Stone Cold Steve Austin
It’s very gratifying sometimes to make yourself the butt of the joke because it bursts your bubble.
John Bishop
See, justice is a joke in this country, and it stinks of its hypocricy.
H. Rap Brown
A lot of people who look at my photographs think it is an easy joke, but it does take a bit of thinking about.
Alison Jackson
People always joke that ‘dog’ spells ‘god’ backwards. They should consider that it might be the higher power coming down to see just how well they do, what kind of people they are. The animals are right here, right in front of us. And how we treat these companions is a test.
Linda Blair
I was writing this really long joke about the smell of poop, and I was like, ‘What am I doing with my life?’ I started to think about why I was a comedian, and then I came up with a reason for existence, which is: inserting absurdity or stupidity into strangers’ lives in order to make the world a better place.
Kurt Braunohler
I love to play the game, love to be around the rink, and love to joke around with my teammates and have some fun.
Patrick Kane
Historically, Heathrow has been something of a joke, outweighed by its excellent connections. We have to aspire to having an airport at Heathrow with two runways which is a world-class airport. It’s a big challenge.
Philip Hammond
Prior to ‘Tokyo Drift,’ the iconic perception of Asians in Hollywood films has been either the Kung Fu guy, the Yakuza guy or some technical genius. It used to be such a joke, to be laughed at rather than with.
Sung Kang
For the amount of talent I had – and I couldn’t dance, act, or tell a joke – I enjoyed a tremendous career.
Perry Como
We joke that St. Louis people love their own.
Becky Sauerbrunn
There was a joke in Czechoslovakia: The Communist Party dance, it’s one step forward, two steps backward, and everyone is still clapping.
Martina Navratilova
What I find shocking is that there’s this thought process that Hillary Clinton is going to be president of the United States, and to even think of Donald Trump is a joke.
Steve Bannon
Almost every venerable tradition at a men’s club starts out as a joke.
Joe Bob Briggs
The element of surprise – where you think you know where a joke is going, and then you’re wrong. Those are my favorite kind of jokes.
Riki Lindhome
I like my messiness on stage, though I watch comics who come at a joke from every angle and I think, ‘Yeah! That’s how it’s done!’ But for me it’s the audience. If I feel connected to them, I have so much fun, and if not, it stinks.
Sarah Silverman
I’ve never revved my car at a light for an attractive woman or an auto-rival, not even as a joke.
Penn Jillette
I used to think of it as a joke that all paranoids were right. That was a joke in the ’60s, but now I’m convinced that people should be paranoid reflexively – and then pare it down from there if there’s any indication that they’re wrong.
Richard Belzer
My first manager, he had left Germany when he was five, but he would joke about the Nazis. And I’d laugh, but I’d look at him, and he was the first one who told me, ‘You know, funny is a powerful thing; it’s a wonderful weapon.’
Michael Keaton
One question about a joke is, how well is the strangeness of the situation resolved? At ‘The New Yorker’, we retain a lot of incongruity, tapping the playful part of the mind – Monty Python-type stuff. We also try to use humor as a vehicle for communicating ideas. Not editorial comment, but observation.
Robert Mankoff
I typically start out almost every speech I give making some kind of joke about me being in a wheelchair.
Greg Abbott
I’d come from the bottom of the barrel. Just Owen Hart getting out of the shadow of Bret Hart’s little brother. Everyone figured, this is a joke, Owen’s going to get squashed.
Owen Hart
I have no idea how to use social media for anything other than forwarding a good fart joke.
Nia Vardalos
There’s a joke that I do where I make fun of myself for being bow-legged, and I compare myself to a camel and how a camel walks and sits, and that has become a joke that people – when I deliver that joke, people are in tears.
Anjelah Johnson
A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself.
Jessamyn West
The old joke in my family is that the last person who isn’t from New York was coming from Russia.
Emory Cohen
Writing books is fun because after I do a show for a couple hours, I’m in a bus for 22 hours. It’s not hard for me to look out the window and tell a joke here and there.
Willie Nelson
The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.
Ronnie Barker
Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
I can never tell a joke, I’ve always found it easier to just fall over.
Norman Wisdom
Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.
Ambrose Bierce
I wanted to be clever, but being funny came first. That’s how you know someone is clever. They don’t come out and tell you pi to 13 places – they tell you a joke.
Ricky Gervais
Advice is sometimes transmitted more successfully through a joke than grave teaching.
Baltasar Gracian
I have been sober for the longest time. Oh, it’s over a decade now. No joke.
Dana Plato
I never knew what basketball was. I started playing on the playground. People used to laugh at me and joke at me because I was so tall and I didn’t know the game and couldn’t play it.
Patrick Ewing
Comedy is just to me, maybe it’s a natural knack, if I can see where the joke is in the writing and I can see where the setup is and I can tell this is the way to make it.
Matt LeBlanc
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word ‘poo.’ You can’t beat a good poo joke.
Jenny Eclair
I don’t like it when I see a racist comedian go up and say, ‘What are we gonna do about all these immigrants?’ and they get a round the applause. I think, ‘Well that’s not a joke. That’s just your biased opinion.’
Ricky Gervais
Every joke in ‘The Office’ was unexpected. I cringed; I could hardly look. I cried with laughter.
Ian Watson
When you go and meet people in far-flung parts of the world who need help, they’re not earnest; they’re having a laugh and a joke as they transport the water you’re buying for them – not trudging around saying serious things.
Hugh Dennis
I say things I get away with, and it becomes a joke.
Don Rickles
The fact that the Kardashians could be more popular than a show like ‘Mad Men’ is disgusting. It’s a super disgusting part of our culture, but I still find it funny to make a joke about it.
Jonah Hill
Half the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor.
Don Rickles
The moment you think of a joke is the best moment.
Judd Apatow
We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
Joan Rivers
I know when it’s time to joke and when it’s time to be serious. As far as football goes, I’m serious.
Jason Pierre-Paul
I know what is funny coming out of my mouth and what is not funny coming out of my mouth. You have to figure out, What is the joke that I can do that nobody else can do?
Kumail Nanjiani
I used to joke that my next book would be about puppies that have lost a chew toy, and everywhere they went, people were nice and gave them things until they found the chew toy.
Don Winslow
You’re over there in the corner either thinking about the dead dog or whatever, you’re bringing up your personal life and you need the space, and then somebody throws you a joke. Especially if it’s an emotional scene, you don’t want the joke.
Marcia Gay Harden
Being raised Catholic myself, I think people who are Catholic tend to carry a lot of guilt. It’s almost a joke.
Linda Cardellini
I always joke that my kids’ favorite holiday is Father’s Day. They love the way I celebrate the occasion by writing each of them a thank-you letter and a generous check. It’s my way of letting them know how much I appreciate the great pleasure and privilege of being their dad.
Wayne Dyer
My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.
Maya Angelou
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn’t be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn’t upset people, really.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think music and laughter are the two things that can keep you alive. Someone who is really depressed, tell them a joke, and they may come out of it for even just a moment. Or play them something.
Nell Carter
The best timed joke or the best timed phrase comes at spontaneous moments and just relies on me as the host to be very quick, and that’s what I do.
Steve Harvey
Most people, when they hear the disease name, it’s all they know about it. It sounds so mild. When I first was sick, for the first 10 years or so, I was dismissed. I was ridiculed and told I was lazy. It was a joke.
Laura Hillenbrand
There were times when I was a joke, but talent survives.
David Cassidy
I take a lot of pride in managing to be funny without having a victim at the end of my joke. I laugh at a really dark joke as much as the next person, but my jokes, I feel, don’t have to hurt anybody to be really funny.
Ross Mathews
You never know what little idea or joke, what flame flickering really quickly, will become a song. That first idea, it can come any time. If it’s in Spanish, you go on in Spanish. If it’s in French, French. If it’s in English, English. Or Portuguese. I’ll try to do my best. I like Italian, though I don’t speak it much.
Manu Chao
I never really feel like just standing there and telling jokes. I want to move around. In fact, it’s hard for me to write a joke where I don’t end up on the ground for some reason. Hey, at least that way, I know no comics will steal my jokes. Too many bruises.
Chris D’Elia
I like to joke that I already married a 26-year-old and divorced a 29-year-old, so I wasn’t going to do that again when I got remarried.
Grant Show
I never told a joke in my life.
Andy Kaufman
There’s nothing the people love more than a Federal Reserve joke.
Adam McKay
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Dick Clark
The joke about SAP has always been, it’s making ’50s German manufacturing methodology, implemented in 1960s software technology, delivered to 1970-style manufacturing organizations, like, it’s really – yeah, the incumbency – they are still the lingering hangover from the dot-com crash.
Marc Andreessen
Could you imagine me and the roasters taking on the GOP field? It would be the greatest show ever. Prove that you can take a joke. Prove that you’re a man or woman of the people. Prove that you’re not above criticism even in the form of a backhanded compliment.
Jeff Ross
My favorite show tune has got to be Stephen Sondheim’s ‘I Remember Sky.’ It’s probably the saddest song of all time; I sing it to myself in the mirror. No, I am kidding. That’s the joke.
Laura Benanti
As a moviegoer, I’m always annoyed when a big joke is ruined in the trailer, but generally, it actually makes it play better.
Nicholas Stoller
My friends joke that I raised the Titanic and never left the Rockies.
Clive Cussler
Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.
Karl Lagerfeld
As an actor, your life is constant ups and downs. My friends and I joke that when a job ends and nothing is lined up, you have nothing to do for the rest of your life. You just ride that wave.
Ari Graynor
The old joke was Mitch Leigh, land baron, barren land.
Mitch Leigh
I’m a bit of a worrier, to an extreme. I’ll crack a joke, then worry if I’ve offended someone – even when they’re laughing. I have a guilt complex, always worrying.
Sophia Bush
I always joke that a makeup-free day is good for the pores.
John King
The joke of our time is the suicide of intention.
Theodor W. Adorno
Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.
Alexander Pope
You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.
Tom Brady
I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers – doesn’t matter if its something my wife hates.
Ron White
I recently did the David Letterman Show about my book. He was very serious and made no jokes and it caught me off guard a little bit. He was much more serious than some of the joke shows that journalists get on.
Bob Woodward
Gene Autry was the most. It may sound like a joke – Go and have a look in my bedroom, It’s covered with Gene Autry posters. He was my first musical influence.
Ringo Starr
So when you tell a joke, you want to make someone laugh, or if you tell a story about someone who had a heart attack, it may be because you want the listener to exercise. Stories are tools to create social cohesion and to get humans to strategize together.
Peter Guber
You’re going to get flak if you tell the wrong joke, but it’s still the wrong joke. Give the wrong speech, you take it on the chin.
Brad Paisley
I never do a whole new set of new material. I do one new joke at a time, and I wedge it in between two good jokes. Or if it’s a long story, I don’t do it in L.A. or New York; I do it in Kansas and Omaha, all these places I’m going this weekend.
Jim Jefferies
Humor can bring people under the tent. And a good joke can deflect some of the intensity surrounding a serious subject.
Ted Danson
I don’t worry about the last shot or the next shot. I concentrate. Every shot gets a clean slate. And when a shot is over, I wipe it out absolutely. Tell a joke or something. If you worry about how you looked, how well you did, you’ll go insane.
Michael Caine
The key to gallows humor is to make the joke, no matter how certain the gallows is.
James Adomian
I love practical jokes and humor. That there’s frankly no joke that I don’t think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don’t like being scared.
Mitt Romney
Everybody I know is a joke writer.
Ron White
I was saying as a joke the other day that I love film editing, I know how to cut a picture, I think I know how to shoot it, but I don’t know how to light it. And I realize it’s because I didn’t grow up with light. I grew up in tenements.
Martin Scorsese
I don’t really believe in lucky things, but I wear lucky underwear as a joke.
Julia Mancuso
When someone pitches a joke for a character that is just perfect, and you can imagine that actor reading that line at your table read or on the set, it’s like the sound of a snap snapping into place.
Michael Schur
I don’t mind being the butt of the joke… It doesn’t really bother me. I quite enjoy it.
Ryan Seacrest
Memes just show that people are engaged about something. A meme is just a little inside joke for a group of people that care about a certain thing.
Anthony Fantano
I love people with strong convictions, because we are living in a very PC world. You can’t crack a joke without it being in the headlines.
Imelda May
It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don’t tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o’clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.
Bob Saget
Cooking allows you to have travels, adventures and journeys without going anywhere. The running joke between my partner and me is that I’m not really concerned about how long it takes, or how much I destroy the kitchen, because I just have such a good time doing it.
Ted Allen
I joke and I say, ‘I need to go back to make a supernatural horror film just to so that I can make a movie that’s grounded again.’
James Wan
I live on a ranch in Texas and do my own thing. And I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. My joke is that the only people I’m trying to please are myself and my fans, because they’re the ones buying my records. And I have the best, most loyal fan base ever.
Kelly Clarkson
I don’t think I’ve ever been haunted by a ghost, but I always joke with my fiance about the house we’re living in right now. It seems to have something in it.
Katee Sackhoff
I have a lot of glass in my house, and I remember saying as a joke once that I clean my stuff with Windex while my friends are over, but then I found myself actually doing that the other day. It’s horrible.
Courteney Cox
I think I was born to be a clown. I just haven’t figured out how to bring that side of myself into the world of filmmaking. It’s much more comfortable for me to cry on a film set than it is to tell a joke.
Lucas Hedges
The idea of what’s acceptable and what’s shocking, that’s where I investigate. I mean, you can’t be on ‘Top Gear,’ where your only argument is that it’s all just a joke and anyone who takes offence is an example of political correctness gone mad, and then not accept the counterbalance to that.
Stewart Lee
Cartooning is about deconstruction: you gotta tear something down to make a joke.
Berkeley Breathed
It is fun to see a comedy in which every single joke hasn’t been packed into the trailer.
Elvis Mitchell
Sex is God’s joke on human beings.
Bette Davis
I remember as a boy when the conversation on civil rights was won in the South. I remember a time when one of my friends made a racist joke and another said, ‘Hey man, we don’t go for that anymore.’
Al Gore
What’s cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn’t be able to joke about in stand-up.
Aziz Ansari
It seems to me that humour is everybody’s way of keeping sane and standing off from the situations so that they can see it intellectually, as well as emotionally, and I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, but if somebody tells a joke, it’s nearly always a mini fantasy.
Diana Wynne Jones
I think you make better jokes when you don’t break logic for the joke, unless you make a movie just about jokes.
Michael Lehmann
If the worst thing happening to Middle Eastern people is that Carlos Mencia is doing a joke about them being stopped at airports, that’s a pretty awesome state of affairs.
Carlos Mencia
It’s OK to joke about yourself and have self-perspective, but, like, when you constantly put yourself down to get other people to tell you you’re good, that annoys me. Have confidence!
Tove Lo
I don’t believe in acting teachers for me, so it’s God’s joke that he gave me a best friend who’s an acting teacher.
Laurence Fishburne
The English had hit upon a splendid joke. They intended to catch me or to bring me down.
Manfred von Richthofen
I take care of myself, which includes dieting, exercising and minimising stress. I joke that I’ve been on a diet since 1974, which is basically true.
Kim Cattrall
Watching movies in the U.S. is great fun because they get every joke, they smile, they laugh so much; it’s a great feeling.
Jet Li
I get very confused about being called a comedian, because when you say ‘I’m a comedian,’ people expect you to crack a joke. Maybe I use laughter and humour to make people think. I don’t know what you call that – a humourist? A satirist? A pessimistic comedian? I don’t know. Satirists can be very dark.
Bassem Youssef
In movies, you don’t get reactions: Live, when you do a joke, you know in a second whether it’s good or bad. But in a movie, since no one is allowed to laugh or do anything, when you’re done with a scene, you’re left asking, ‘Was that funny?’
Carrot Top
I get just as much of a thrill out of constructing a good sentence that gets a laugh at the end as I do from a joke.
Julian Clary
I make a joke that I’m the Internet curmudgeon, but ‘wary’ is a good way to put it.
Bill Keller
Don’t laugh at a hair joke, Trump.
Lisa Lampanelli
I’m promoting positivity. I’m promoting happiness and loving yourself and having fun. But it’s not a joke.
Lil Yachty
Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‘Okay.’ And then I sit down and they say, ‘It’s math.’ ‘No! Not math! English, history, anything!’
Angelina Jolie
I somewhat joke that I know an awful lot because I learn from my mistakes. I just make a lot of mistakes. It’s OK to fail in science just as long as you have the successes to go with the failures.
Craig Venter
If I go play golf with the guys, it’s intended to be a joke.
Neil Peart
Whenever I passed by a Chinese restaurant in a car, I’d joke to my friends, ‘Oh yeah, my uncle owns that place.’
Jenny Zhang
We’re used to a story in modern terms as an information delivery device. Certainly on television and even with the studio films, there’s really only one note that you get, and that’s clarity. And people will sacrifice everything for clarity. They’ll sacrifice the joke. They’ll sacrifice the moment, or the romance.
Noah Hawley
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
Most people are used to the T.V. comedy method of one joke every 18 seconds. And that’s why it’s not funny… There’s no time for anything to develop.
Ron Shock
In 1975, I left the burning city of Beirut for the quiet insanity of England. To say that short, frail and wispy 15-year-old me didn’t fit in would be such an understatement as to be a joke.
Rabih Alameddine
My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It’s all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.
Sarah Silverman
Death seems to be a long way off. Is this not shallow thinking? It is worthless and is only a joke within a dream. It will not do to think in such a way and be negligent. Insofar as death is always at one’s door, one should make sufficient effort and act quickly.
Yamamoto Tsunetomo
What ‘SNL’ taught me that was useful on ‘The Watch’ was, only put in bad words if they can get a laugh – there was no need for swear words and beeps in places that weren’t necessary. Those beeps should only be in there when they mean something and it’s important to the joke.
Akiva Schaffer
’30 Rock’ is probably one of my favorite shows. It’s just joke after joke after joke.
Alison Brie
Poetry is like making a joke. If you get one word wrong at the end of a joke, you’ve lost the whole thing.
W. S. Merwin
Behind every racist joke is a scientific fact.
Milo Yiannopoulos
I’ve always liked a good joke that everybody can laugh at.
John Cameron Mitchell
In my mid-20s, I was directing episodes of ‘Alfred Hitchcock’ and ‘Peter Gunn.’ I was pretty much on course and – as I sometimes joke – was prepared to devote my life to become the second best film director in my family.
George Stevens, Jr.
In Europe, they travel a lot lighter. I always joke that my Indonesian passengers bring their house and their neighbor’s house.
Tony Fernandes
I stumbled on a joke idea and style that worked, the audience went with it and, from that moment on, I was hooked. It’s an amazing feeling.
Marcus Brigstocke
I joke that I only play in World Cups.
Ali Krieger
Candice is the original spelling of my name. I changed it to Kandyse when I was really young and first starting out in the business as kind of a joke. I didn’t realize it would stick! I did consider changing it, but then it seemed too confusing, so then I asked them to change it back. Not too soon, however!
Kandyse McClure
We need to get rid of the Federal Elections Commission. It’s a joke. It doesn’t enforce the law.
Russ Feingold
Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it ‘all the money,’ but they changed it to ‘alimony.’ It’s ripping your heart out through your wallet.
Robin Williams
I usually joke around, especially on set.
Michael Pena
‘Community’ is a comedy show, and one of the characters happens to be a Christian. I do think they have been very careful to make sure everyone is the butt of the joke for various reasons.
Yvette Nicole Brown
Whenever I perform, people get me because I’m talking about things that people can identify with and relate to. I’m not just up there doing jokey, jokey, joke.
Tracy Morgan
My dad is a really funny guy, and we would make jokes about my leukemia. When my friends would come over, we would joke about it, too.
Vanessa Bayer
I always joke deep down I’m really a teenage girl on the inside.
John Searles
‘A Death in the Gunj’ is set in 1979 and we had to mute a joke that referred to Indira Gandhi. The censors also wouldn’t allow the tortoise that some of the characters talk about to be called Kalidas because it’s the name of a respected poet.
Konkona Sen Sharma
I always joke and say I want to invent a comfortable stiletto and then retire.
Sara Blakely
We all have, in my family, what we call the ‘Vorderman bottom’ – a sticky out, bigger-than-normal, signature, of the rear variety. It’s been a family joke all our lives – even my lovely brother has one. I know the lines to all the good singalong big bum songs.
Carol Vorderman
I think it is childish for men to joke about women’s clothes, to make fun of our hats, to complain over the cost of a good fur coat.
Elsa Schiaparelli
I joke that I’m in the market for a cabin in the woods, and, at some point, I won’t be joking anymore.
Kasie Hunt
The whole westward expansion myth is seen as romantic. But it’s a joke, a blot on American history.
Frank Waters
Comedy has always been important in my family. If you got in a good joke at the dinner table, it meant more than almost anything else.
Isla Fisher
The reality is, to watch Jon Stewart, you already have to have watched the news. In other words, it’s not funny if he does a joke about John McCain and they don’t know who John McCain is.
Roger Ailes
The joke that I make is that there are instances on the TV series that happen to me, – except on Sex and the City they always make it better or worse than real life and I am actually saying that in a joking way.
Candace Bushnell
Someone said to me at a party once, ‘Oh, yeah, you’re a comedian? Then how come you’re not funny now?’ And I just wanted to say, ‘Well, I’m just going to take this conversation we’re having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that’s the joke. You’re the joke later.’
Mike Birbiglia
I joke that the Olympics is the warm-up to the Paralympics.
Lee Pearson
Just like a comedian has a certain joke or a jazz musician has a riff that they know will get the crowd, a tap dancer always has a step.
Savion Glover
In the India I was growing up in, history wasn’t really a wise career option. People would joke and say, ‘History’s okay, but what’s your actual job?’ I didn’t come from a privileged background and couldn’t afford to be irresponsible, so I did the pragmatic thing and did a MBA.
Amish Tripathi
Oh, I love critics. Because they love me. It’s not a joke. They care.
I got an email saying we were nominated for a Grammy, and I instantly thought it was a joke. So I started Googling the nominees, and there we were!
M. Shadows
Making people uncomfortable is one of my hobbies. I’m always hoping that half the people get the joke and the other half are the joke.
Josh Homme
The audience today has heard every joke. They know every plot. They know where you’re going before you even start. That’s a tough audience to surprise, and a tough audience to write for. It’s much more competitive now, because the audience is so much more – I want to say ‘sophisticated.’
Betty White
The biggest adventure is to move into an area in which you are not an expert. Sometimes I joke that I am not interested in doing re-search, only search.
Andre Geim
There used to be a cruel joke that said Brazil is the country of the future, and always will be; Obama is the Brazil of today’s politicians. He has obviously achieved nothing.
Charles Krauthammer
I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.
LeBron James
I would kill to be on ‘Dexter,’ and I would double kill to be on ‘True Blood.’ I would pay them to let me come be a vampire or a vampire victim. No joke!
Callie Thorne
I learned how fast you can go from being an international hero to being a reference in a joke on a late night talk show.
Michael Phelps
As a kid, I drew comics. I had curly hair. I liked to joke, but I was kind of nervous about it at first until it was coaxed out of me.
Thomas Middleditch
The joke or the pratfall is easy for me to do.
Sandra Bullock
My dad? He worked at a steel plant over in Charleston. Night shift. Nine at night to nine in the morning, no joke.
A. J. Green
I am a super-confident writer, and as a joke writer and as an actress, I’m like, ‘I want to go head-to-head with every person.’ I am an Indian woman and I’m a kind of double minority in this world.
Mindy Kaling
I always make a joke: ‘Don’t look into the future; it’s too bright.’ That’s as positive as I can be.
Mike Colter
I can’t write a joke. I could never write. I do a lot of stories and I call them stories, but they’re just comedy recitals on a given subject.
Ron Shock
If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.
Wanda Sykes
I always enjoy conversation more if there is some substance to it – which is a just incredibly hilarious thing for me to say because for many, many years I was the guy whose only contribution to any conversation was, ‘There was a funny ‘Simpson’s’ joke about that.’
Joss Whedon
Candidates should be extremely cautious in displaying a sense of humor. If he or she tells a joke with a point, there is almost certain to be some minority group offended.
Jack Germond
We didn’t have electricity when I was a kid. We had to watch TV by candlelight. No, that’s a silly joke.
Glen Campbell
I tell you it’s no joke to paint a portrait. I wonder that I am not more timid when I begin. I feel almost certain that I can do it. It seems very simple. I don’t think of the time that is sure to come when I almost despair, when the whole thing seems hopeless.
William Morris Hunt
It is a great rush to come up with a joke that gets a good response from the audience. It’s gold!
Kevin Nealon
You’re only as good as your last joke, your last show, your last whatever. The confidence is there, but underneath, there is always insecurity.
Ray Romano
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Will Rogers
The critics had an image of me, and they wouldn’t accept any other… I was a cartoon character. A joke.
If the clockwork universe equated the human body with the mechanics of the clock, the digital universe now equates human consciousness with the processing of the computer. We joke that things don’t compute, that we need a reboot, or that our memory has been wiped.
Douglas Rushkoff
I watch children a great deal; their idea is that rules are always negotiable, whereas you absolutely cannot joke at the airport about your toothpaste, and you cannot rollerblade in Grand Central Station. I keep running up against these things.
Natalie Jeremijenko
Stewardesses were a joke to many of us coming of age in the liberated Sixties. They were no joke in the women’s movement that liberated us, however.
Cathleen Schine
We made the joke when we screened ‘Bucket List’ that there was 100% desire to see amongst our demographic with a 40% ability to get them to see it.
Rob Reiner
I like to joke that I probably hold the world record for rejection letters. Yes, the truth is that I was fed up of being rejected repeatedly, and self-publication was an act of defiance at traditional publishing. But life works in strange ways.
Ashwin Sanghi
In the 1990s, it’s OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It’s acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke… about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society.
Sam Kinison
The running joke about the Premio Cervantes, the most coveted literary prize in the Spanish-speaking world, which was established by Spain’s Ministry of Culture in 1976, is that Cervantes himself wouldn’t have received it. This is because he was, in his heart, the most anti-Spanish of Spanish writers.
Ilan Stavans
I realized that you didn’t have to make self-deprecating remarks or turn yourself into the butt of some unspoken joke. I also discovered that being big didn’t deter possible suitors.
Maeve Binchy
You never want to defend a joke. People get to choose whether or not to laugh and whether or not they think something is funny.
Larry Wilmore
I joke every day, pranks, sometimes.
Joao Moutinho
I found, especially with stand-up, that if a premise works, you can make the joke work. If a premise doesn’t work, you can’t force it to.
Nick Kroll
So, whenever Scooter was the Pilot, he never had a chance to fly the orbiter. So, the joke is: I’m going to have a chance to fly it first and hand it over to him.
Duane G. Carey
My mother doesn’t cook; my grandmother didn’t cook. Her kids were raised by servants. They would joke about Sunday night dinner. It was the only night she would cook, and apparently it was just horrendous, like scrambled eggs and Campbell’s soup.
Katharine Weymouth
I don’t mind being the brunt of a joke, so long as it’s a good one.
Joey McIntyre
I guess my feeling is is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.
Adam Carolla
Dick Martin, if you put a gun to his forehead, he couldn’t tell you a joke.
Bob Newhart
They all want to be me. They do! What everybody else says they will do, I’ve already been doing. They all want to be me. It’s become a joke in Congress how Dr. Gingrey and Mr. Kingston have been following my votes. They’ve even changed votes to what I voted, multiple times. Members of Congress are laughing about it.
Paul Broun
I like to joke about being gay because it’s something teenagers would never joke about.
Bo Burnham
I only became a celebrity because I had a kid. Before I was pregnant nobody cared. I joke to my agent that having a baby made my career.
Busy Philipps
I try to do women’s-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, ‘This is what I think; there’s the truth.’ I try to think of stuff that’s real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff.
Roseanne Barr
I’m at an age where crying is easier for me now. I like it. I can cry at a poignant commercial; I can cry at a – this is a running joke in my house, but… a good ‘Star-Spangled Banner’ can make me cry. I’m not kidding.
Ray Romano
My brother was listening to his transistor radio. He kept switching the earpiece from one ear to the other, which I thought was his idea of a joke. ‘You can’t do that,’ I said. ‘You can only hear out of one ear.’ ‘No, I can hear out of both,’ he answered. And that was how I discovered I was deaf in my right ear.
Jane Lynch
But I can tell you markets are like women, always commanding, always mysterious, always volatile, always exciting and it is not a joke.
Rakesh Jhunjhunwala
I always joke about letting the haters motivate you. Everybody has that in their life, people who doubt them or make them feel less than they are. It just takes faith and belief in yourself, and you’ve got to dig deep into that. That has to come from you – nobody’s going to give you that.
Jennifer Lopez
There’s a few tunes of mine that don’t have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere.
Mose Allison
I’m probably the guy who keeps it loose around the room and tries to joke around with guys before the game, keeping things funny.
Patrick Kane
I kind of joke that creating franchises is a lot like directing pilot episodes of TV series. You set a look and feel and kind of pass it on.
James Wan
I have been invited to do something called ‘Celebrity MasterChef’ in England, which, of course, I can’t do. It’s complete nonsense. You have to be a decent cook to begin with. I’d be the joke one.
Lesley Nicol
U.S. soldiers, with whom I now have more than a passing acquaintance, joke that they track my movements in order to know where they will be deployed next.
Christiane Amanpour
When I listen to the complaints that follow just about every presidential debate, I’m reminded of the well-worn joke about the Jewish mother who buys her son two shirts. When he shows up at dinner wearing one, she says: ‘What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?’
Jeff Greenfield
My friends always joke that I run on batteries.
Alexander Wang
I’m very careful not to tell a joke just to get a reaction.
Katherine Ryan
I ain’t apologizing for anything, especially if it’s a joke.
Artie Lange
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
Jimmy Nail
When you’re going for a joke, you’re stuck out there if it doesn’t work. There’s nowhere to go. You’ve done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you’re out on the end of the plank.
Bob Newhart
It’s so easy to judge everybody and for some reason extra weight is the one thing everything feels OK to joke about.
Caroline Rhea
Often women are pitted against each other for an easy joke, so they fight or steal each other’s boyfriends. That’s not really true to life.
Hannah Simone
A joke’s a very serious thing.
Charles Churchill
It’s funny, you know, growing up, you are always introduced to people as your uncle this or your aunt that or your cousin this. By the time I was in my 20s, I had no idea who I actually was or wasn’t related to. It’s kind of a running joke in the family.
Johnny Iuzzini
Kanye’s the best listener I’ve ever worked with. If I interrupt Kanye, every single time, he’ll wait for me to finish before speaking. It’s a running joke – sometimes I interrupt him just to see. And he always goes, ‘No, no, finish. I want to hear what you have to say.’
Scooter Braun
It became the joke of the neighbourhood. If the umpire ruled me out on a bad call, I’d take the fake eye out and hand it to him.
Peter Falk
There’s always someone who’s going to interpret my material as racist, but it’s not. Racism comes from intent and power. A racist will tell a joke about a group of people only when they’re not in the room. I’ll talk about a group of people only when they’re in the room.
Russell Peters
It’s become a running joke among the public, and liberals have lost all credibility when it comes to climate science because their arguments have become so ridiculous and so obviously disconnected from reality.
Sonny Perdue
I think that every show on television has its place. I think Married With Children or, I don’t know, The Nanny… some people want to go home, turn on the TV and be able to iron their clothes or grab a sandwich. Come out and catch a joke and not have to follow the story.
Peter Krause
I once told a journalist that girls call me ‘Kitten,’ but I couldn’t have been more sarcastic, and no matter how many times I’ve said that it was a joke, it still doesn’t go away.
Joaquin Phoenix
I think for a lot of people, bowling is sort of a joke. But I love it, and it means a lot to me, so any chance to help promote it or celebrate it or not make the hackiest jokes – ‘Bowlers are like plumbers and they wear the craziest shirts!’ – I’m way into.
Chris Hardwick
Even when a drunk guy, a program director, was slurring his words and telling me what to do with my career, I didn’t react to him in a negative way. You kind of have to joke back with them to put them in their place.
Maren Morris
The Texas Commission on Environmental Quality – what a joke. In my district, we caught them lying to us about the results of air quality studies in the Barnett Shale. They are playing with the health and safety of our communities, and we are going to tell them that is not acceptable.
Wendy Davis
I go inside the Octagon for fight. I don’t joke, because it’s danger.
Anderson Silva
When I tell a joke, I immediately know whether it’s funny or not.
Carlos Mencia
I think that the joke and the ghost story both have a similar set up in that you kind of set something up and pay it off with a laugh or a scare.
Simon Pegg
My joke, which isn’t really a joke, is that there will be one of two tours: the tour for the album that does well, or the tour for the album that stiffs.
Richard Marx
I still love a well-crafted joke. Twitter’s been great for that.
Kyle Kinane
The world was not supportive. They look at me as a joke for 13 to 14 years until I could prove feasibility; then I had competitors. Those that laughed at me became my competitors.
Ada Yonath
As I grow older, I become more and more of a Marxist – Groucho, that is. When you have lived two-thirds of your life, you know the value of a good joke.
Karen DeCrow
I suppose there are times when I can’t believe that I’ve lived the way that I have and done the things that I’ve done. Life’s a joke anyway. It’s all ridiculous. It’s all so short.
Lauren Bacall
The producers want us to sell, sell, sell. That’s my little joke. That’s what we do by day; by night, we’re artists.
Mike Nichols
People are learning to feel more comfortable hearing one another’s dreams. It used to be that if you told a dream in public, someone had to make a joke to relieve the tension introduced by that alternative reality.
Henry Reed
When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.
David Byrne
When we’re on set, we kind of joke around, and when we’re rehearsing, we change up the scenes and make each other laugh. We lighten up the mood. The blooper reel is going to be amazing on ‘New Moon.’
Kellan Lutz
Any private security is a joke in a country where you’re up against your own government.
Bidzina Ivanishvili
We’re all just a bundle of habits shaped by our memories. And to the extent that we control our lives, we do so by gradually altering those habits, which is to say the networks of our memory. No lasting joke, or invention, or insight, or work of art was ever produced by an external memory. Not yet, at least.
Joshua Foer
Every sexy joke of long ago, every flirtation, is being recalled by some women and revised and re-evaluated as sexual harassment. Frivolous accusations reduce, if not eliminate, not only communication between men and women but any kind of playfulness and banter… Where has the laughter gone?
Maryanne Trump Barry
It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.
Steven Wright
A novel wouldn’t be a book if there weren’t some flights of fancy on the part of the author, stopping time to examine things, or to tell a joke.
Ned Vizzini
If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.
Ron White
A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.
Wanda Sykes
I don’t wear much makeup, except during work. I felt lucky to be chosen to be a model. I used to joke, ‘The next best thing to winning the lottery is having a beauty contract.’
Isabella Rossellini
Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind the joke, but a tweet is 140 characters or less, and maybe that’s why people overreact. I don’t need to rustle any more feathers and lose any investors.
Lisa Lampanelli
A lot of comedies fall apart because they just go from joke to joke, and the characters are all sort of being crazy off on their own.
Paul Feig
I always joke with people that having nephews is the best birth control there is.
Tahj Mowry
I sometimes joke, Paula, even paranoid people have enemies.
Rahm Emanuel
A joke is a way to say, ‘I’m going to do something funny now. If I don’t get a laugh at the end, I’m a failure.’
Penn Jillette
I always thought security was a joke at New York airports, and in U.S. airports to begin with. You can go through any European or Middle Eastern airport and things are a lot tougher.
Richard Drew
There’s been lots of theater that uses hip-hop in it, but more often than not, it’s used as a joke – isn’t it hilarious that these characters are rapping. I treat it as a musical form, and a musical form that allows you to pack in a ton of lyric.
Lin-Manuel Miranda
A joke bombing on stage doesn’t bother me, especially if it’s intended to bomb.
Mick Foley
To single out a particular group and say we can’t make a joke about them is almost a form of prejudice and it’s kind of patronizing.
Sacha Baron Cohen
Postmodernism is among other things a sick joke at the expense of revolutionary avant-gardism.
Terry Eagleton
All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.
Ron White
There was no joke I could make that was too offensive. I can actually remember at least one time where my mother told me something that, I was like, ‘whoa!’
Seth MacFarlane
From as long as, literally as far back as I can remember I’ve liked puns, word jokes, I can literally recall looking at a comic at the age of six or seven and I remember what I enjoyed and what it was precisely and how the joke worked.
Tom Stoppard
The U.S. – the idea that the U.S. has introduced and imposed principles of international law, that’s hardly even a joke. The United States has even gone so far as to veto Security Council resolutions calling on all states to observe international law. That was in the 1980s under Reagan.
Noam Chomsky
Looking back at my school reports, I start off as quite a swotty kid, and then when I get to 12 or 13, my teachers start saying: ‘Lee has started to joke around a lot in class.’ After that, it’s a steady graph of decline, with the jokes increasing and increasing.
Lee Mack
Over at the Olivia Pope & Associates set, we’re like middle school children. Every time there’s a cut in the action, we joke and dance around; there’s show tunes and fart noises.
Darby Stanchfield
I thought conceptual art was a joke.
Gian Carlo Menotti
When I become the village idiot, or at least, it starts to become a joke, you can’t do that much longer.
Joan Van Ark
A comic strip has a rhythm and a pattern, and you got to get in and out quick. So you set up a joke, tell the joke, and done.
Stephan Pastis
It’s a joke how tough it is to win a Slam.
Dominic Thiem
The thing that’s changed the way I do my stand-up act is having kids and getting older and wiser and smarter. There might be a joke or two in the past that I wish I hadn’t done, but in the past, you can’t have it back.
Larry the Cable Guy
One time when somebody showed up in a wedding dress, but I never knew if it was a joke, or she was serious. She asked me to marry her. She was serious. It was pretty funny.
Bryan White
At university level, I had an economics lecturer who used to joke that I was the only student who handed in essays on British Airways notepaper.
Sebastian Coe
The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind.
H. P. Lovecraft
When you write something, at first you might feel very defensive and protective of every single thing, but after a while, you just see what works and what doesn’t. Sometimes you do test screenings, and an audience tells you that, or sometimes you eventually just go, ‘Let’s cut the joke out.’
Edgar Wright
Gracious dying is a huge, macabre and expensive joke on the American public.
Jessica Mitford
Whenever we’re on the red carpet, we look like competition winners. It’s a joke.
Dan Smith
I was world champion, but I was never able to celebrate it. It was a joke for me.
Caster Semenya
You learn what can become a good joke and can be repeatable. You have a shorthand about how to introduce a joke to someone.
Lennon Parham
I have this famous joke that I use: Why was God able to create Heaven and Earth in seven days and seven nights? Because he didn’t have installed customers and legacy technology to worry about.
Brad D. Smith
Directing a television episode is no joke, and it’s incredibly difficult and especially when you’re acting in it as well.
Brian J. Smith
Hour-long TV is no joke. It tests you as a human being. It makes you a stronger person, but it’s really crazy.
Rebecca Romijn
I’ve heard every pie joke in the book. I’m still waiting for an original one.
Jason Biggs
A lot of times I’ll make films that are mostly character-driven films – stories that involve people. Like, I make the joke: I like to make movies about human beings that live on Earth.
Rob Reiner
Death’s an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew.
Ivan Turgenev
Everyone recognizes that’s a joke because obviously the number and shape of the pieces doesn’t affect the size of the pizza. And similarly, the stocks, bonds, warrants, etc., issued don’t affect the aggregate value of the firm.
Merton Miller
Chevy Chase and Bill Murray – we thought those guys were funny. We love Bill Murray, but we didn’t think they were right for Airplane! because it would step on the joke if there was a known comedian.
David Zucker
When you’re going for a big studio comedy, the joke tally better be pretty high, and you better have some big comedy set pieces. That was one of the issues when I was trying to get ‘Swingers’ made for the first time, which is that there weren’t any broad comedy set pieces.
Jon Favreau
Only in the mystery novel are we delivered final and unquestionable solutions. The joke to me is that fiction gives you a truth that reality can’t deliver.
Scott Turow
A comedy can actually get funnier and funnier. Even though you know the joke, you enjoy it so much, it’s the facial expression, you laugh. The laugh doesn’t wear off. It could be with you for thirty years.
Eli Roth
I joke that a person of color would never make a movie like ‘Midnight in Paris.’ Nostalgia isn’t so enticing.
Meshell Ndegeocello
I worked at a hot dog place, a bagel place, the Jersey Store and the hottest fashion joint around. I was getting too famous to work there anymore. I was almost showing up as a joke. I made $2,000 on my show the previous night and I’m going to go shopping during my five-hour shift.
If you take away scale, the nature of the story changes. I made a joke the other day: if I were to try to make ‘Glory’ now, rather than be about a regiment, it would be about a platoon. It would be seven men in the woods rather than all the men on the beach.
Edward Zwick
I also had a hosting position on a home and garden television show – which is a joke if you ever see my apartment.
Hannah Simone
You realize that as much as you want to socialize with the people on the set, or you want to, after a day shooting, joke around or whatever. Somehow, with playing Jesus, this doesn’t happen. You actually need to decompress and be on your own and prepare on your own. It never happened to me before.
Juan Pablo Di Pace
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!
Mitch Hedberg
I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
Norm MacDonald
The insular arrogance of the English character is a commonplace joke.
Goldwin Smith
If you work at comedy too laboriously, you can kill what’s funny in the joke.
Richard Russo
I want to write the reparations joke that makes people go, ‘Yay! I’m so happy!’ It’s easy to go onstage and just make fun of all the ‘isms’ instead, but we can’t all be Jeff Dunham. Although that pays very well… it pays way better to be Jeff Dunham than it ever paid to be George Carlin or Lenny Bruce.
W. Kamau Bell
My reputation as a ladies’ man was a joke. It caused me to laugh bitterly through the 10,000 nights I spent alone.
Leonard Cohen
I think we’re the only jokeless show on television. I mean really, we have no setups and no punch lines. It’s not a joke show. There are funny lines and funny moments but again the comedy is born of the human experience and awkward pauses are a great part of what it is to be human.
Rainn Wilson
I always have the same thing – which is the fear of not getting a laugh – that I’ve had from the time I was a kid; obsessing over, ‘This joke doesn’t quite work, we’ve got to get this right.’ I was always like that, whether I was a member of a six-person ensemble or whether I’m the center of a show.
Matthew Perry
The one thing I think I’ve noticed about shows that are supposed to be funny on television is that they’ve sort of become routinized, so there’s an awful lot of mannerisms and joke lines that are sort of there to trigger laughter, rather than give actors a chance to play a moment.
Alan Alda
It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.
Max Eastman
I have a file of four million jokes… I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.
Milton Berle
Shore Leave is the one who evolved the most – because he started as a one-off joke because we were gagging on how the G.I. Joe vocationally specific-themed characters reminded us of the Village People. We made a sassy Village People kind of guy, and then we brought him back.
Christopher McCulloch
The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.
George Orwell
People who would never think of dealing in racial or sexual stereotypes will still throw in a fat joke because it’s still OK. Really?
Al Roker
I think repeating yourself is a sign of old age, telling the same joke again and again. Especially if they’re jokes that don’t make people laugh.
Simon Le Bon
Running for me is a sport. It’s not a joke. It’s serious.
J. R. Martinez
The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they always got the girls. I couldn’t tell a joke to save my life.
Seann William Scott
One of the things we joke about in the FPS development is it’s so hard to get the player to actually bother to look at all the cool stuff you’ve been doing. You spend a lot of time making really cool things, and usually the player isn’t looking where you want them to.
John Carmack
I don’t know how to tell a joke. I never tell jokes. I can tell stories that happened to me… anecdotes. But never a joke.
Lucille Ball
We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator… Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
Alan King
The joke around my office is that I’ve shaken many hands, but I’ve petted more dogs.
Larry Hogan
I need your help. I am injured, near death, and too weak to hike out of here. I am all alone. This is no joke. In the name of God, please remain to save me. I am out collecting berries close by and shall return this evening. Thank you, Chris McCandless.
Christopher McCandless
When you slip on a banana peel, people laugh at you; but when you tell people you slipped on a banana peel, it’s your laugh. So you become the hero rather than the victim of the joke.
Nora Ephron
New York was at the forefront of rap, so because of all the great people who have gone before me, being a rapper from Queens, I have to live up to those standards. I’m basically just a regular guy who says what he feels and likes to joke. I like long walks on the beach… and I love rap.
Action Bronson
You can crack a joke and make a person smile but it matters a lot when that’s on screen. It can be a very nice joke but if you shoot it badly or the actor gets the timing wrong, it won’t be funny.
Jitendra Kumar
The joke in our family is that we can cry reading the phone book.
Ron Reagan
Multiculturalism is a white people joke.
Ntozake Shange
You have to be highly intelligent to get away with a dumb joke. That takes a pretty smart fella.
Tracy Morgan
On ‘Late Night,’ it’s like we’re all in on the joke. That’s what I wanted it to be. I’m not doing something sneaky. Inside jokes, I don’t like those. We can all ride together, and everyone’s on the same thing going, ‘Aha, I know where you’re going here.’
Jimmy Fallon
I thought Twitter was a joke. I really thought it was a gag. I thought it was like National Lampoon or the Onion.
Walter Becker
You want a story? Read ‘Gone With the Wind’. These aren’t stories. They’re joke books. The whole thing of a beginning, a middle and an end has been done to death.
Brian P. Cleary
The joke we always say is that WWE doesn’t pay us to wrestle, they pay us to travel.
Seth Rollins
I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.
Spike Milligan
When I did ‘Spamalot,’ the joke was that I was a foot taller than Tim Curry.
Hannah Waddingham
I’ll think of the idea and then I’ll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.
David Cross
I’m a diplomat by nature. I help find the middle ground. I crack a joke and use humour to help resolve potentially vicious situations quickly. It gets things in perspective and helps everyone to see that things aren’t as bad as they seem.
Ronnie Wood
While Fidel Castro used to deliver his marathon seven-hour speeches in Havana, Cubans used to joke that if Spanish lacked a future tense, their leader would be speechless. He was only fluent in broken promises, they lamented.
Brin-Jonathan Butler
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.
George Orwell
My joke used to be about my father and Peter Boyle: that anything you see Peter Boyle do on TV, my father has done in real life without pants on.
Ray Romano
Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he’s told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he’s pulling it out of thin air.
Artie Lange
I always say, if I tell you a joke right now and it’s funny, you laugh. Now, we set the lights, and I tell you the joke again, it’s hard to find it funny the second time.
Martin Landau
I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.
David Cross
Dick Gregory used every syllable, every metaphor, every joke, every march, every incarceration, every hour of his life, to embarrass this country into providing a more perfect, perfect union.
Joe Morton
I agree with Sophocles: the greatest luck is not to have been born – but, as the joke goes on, very few people succeed in it.
Slavoj Zizek
I want someone that I can have fun with and laugh with. I love to laugh, and I’m really sarcastic, so it’s important that she can take a joke. I think if you are going to be with someone for a while, you really need someone you can let loose with and let go of all the stress of the day.
Matt Lanter
I love funny people, and when I’m with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because that to me is funny, as opposed to someone who stops and says, ‘Hey let me tell you a joke.’
Paul Feig
The idea that any performer type is owed anything is a joke to me.
Henry Rollins
There’s a joke in economics about the drunk who loses his keys in the street but only looks for them under the lightposts. When asked why, he says, ‘because that’s where the light is.’ That’s the problem with the deficit.
Christina Romer
After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding.
Dave Chappelle
I think it’s natural if you’re doing a lot of comedy to do a lot of drama, because you have to figure out the real version of the joke.
Judy Greer
If I can’t face my accusers, that’s a joke. We did that in medieval times.
Lance Armstrong
I’m not making comedy albums. That’s too much effort for one joke.
Matt Berry
I want to know why people are getting laughs. Why this joke works and why that one didn’t work. It all comes back to helping me be a better WWE Superstar. So I love it.
Dolph Ziggler
I always make this joke that I know you were expecting to see the big skirts and the hoops. But that was a long time ago. Artists aren’t always seen as real people. If you start out as a teenager, sometimes people want to keep you locked as that. But I’m a woman now.
Jody Watley
In fact, it used to be a joke if you studied at a University.
Tony Randall
I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
Dave Attell
When my family all got together, I’d always get up and entertain everyone, but it was all a bit of a joke. My first real memory of singing for people was when I was about eleven or 12.
I joke to people in the press that I realize I’m not black, I’m actually white. But I’ve got these roots in black American music. I love it.
Glenn Hughes
That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
Alan King
First of all, Saddam did not win the war, even though he says he did, I mean, you know, that’s a joke and everybody in the world knows it.
Norman Schwarzkopf
Everybody I know who is funny, it’s in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don’t like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing.
Carol Burnett
I was afraid no one would laugh, and I wanted to pretend I wasn’t noticing the audience. I didn’t want the audience to get the idea I was telling a joke and waiting for a laugh.
Mort Sahl
Chennai is one of the scariest crowds to face. Everyone looks so conservative, but once you crack the first joke, they are so appreciatively loud that they will hit you with a laugh that will scare you stiff and yet give you energy. Chennaiites give me the loudest laughs; it’s the coolest crowd to perform for.
Vir Das
A Swedish newspaper reporter called and said, You’ve been awarded the Prize. I was quite sure it was a practical joke.
Joshua Lederberg
When I’m writing the book I’m laughing at just how overblown the characters seemed. How full of himself he seems. But I didn’t get far enough in the series to really drive the joke of it home.
Jhonen Vasquez
My first gig ever was writing looplines for a movie that had already been made. You know, writing lines over somebody’s back to explain something, to help make a connection, to add a joke, or to just add babble because the people are in frame and should be saying something.
Joss Whedon
I love people who have a good sense of humor, tell a good story, tell a good joke.
Jason Statham
You learn to kid around and joke and not take things too seriously because somehow its all gonna work out for the best – or you’re gonna make it work out.
Jack Youngblood
For years and years, I was beset with snide remarks by certain members of the press, where they would turn John Oates into a joke, or they would trivialize what I do, which never really bothered me all that much.
Daryl Hall
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Demetri Martin
I have a lot of funny friends, and we joke a lot, but I’ve never really played comedic parts.
Joel Kinnaman
It’s important to remember that life is a joke, and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don’t think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time.
John Mulaney
There’s no amount of money that makes you feel better when people think of you as a joke or a hack or a failure or ugly or stupid or morally empty.
Patrick Stump
I got so much out of ‘The To-Do List.’ This is a joke that I say about myself sometimes, in terms of my film career: I feel like I’m always playing the kid in serious adult movies. So, for me, it was so wonderful to suddenly be working with other people my age who were doing this on film.
Sarah Steele
Kids are appendages on so many family sitcoms. They’ll come in, they’ll make half a joke, and then they’re like, ‘OK, gotta go to school,’ or ‘I’m going to my room.’ And then you never see them again.
Jason Jones
Slavery is nothing to joke about. The history of this nation’s involvement with slavery is nothing to pass off in a joke.
Douglas Wilder
There’s different kinds of improv. There’s Second City improv where you try to slowly build a nice sketch. There’s stuff you do in college coffee houses where you just go joke, joke, joke. Bring another funny character with a funny hat on his head. Christopher Guest is more the line of trying to get a story out.
Fred Willard
Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.
Robert Orben
My specialty at ‘SNL’ was doing triage. There was always a great need for someone to say, ‘Make this funnier. Give me an ending for this. What’s a better big laugh for this towards the end? What’s a better physical joke in this?’ And I just really, over time, honed that specific thing so well.
Paula Pell
Politicians have such large egos that it usually takes them an inordinately long time to grasp when they’ve become a pathetic joke.
Timothy Noah
It’s a bit embarrassing for a company to be exposed for wrongdoing, but it’s really embarrassing if it’s done by making them the butt of a joke.
Joe Lycett
I sometimes joke that I can take personal responsibility for saving one million human relationships.
Jaan Tallinn
The really funny moments you notice throughout your life are very seldom generated by one person telling a joke.
Ronnie Corbett