Ike Barinholtz Quotes

There’s nothing like taking two flights when you have a horrible hangover. It’s bad when people can see actual alcohol seeping out of your disgusting pores.

Whatever you want to do in the industry, do it on the smallest level at first. If you want to be a writer, write a screenplay in your house. If you want to be an actor, put on a one-man show. If you want to be a stand-up comedian, go to an open mic.

I’m a huge fan of ‘Eastbound & Down.’ It’s one of my favorite shows.

My very beloved and deceased third-grade teacher, Cliff Kehod, was the one that I really remember calling me Ike a lot. It just stuck. It is a dog’s name, but I love dogs.

Alan Rickman’s Hans Gruber is the greatest bad guy in a movie ever.

You don’t want to have to come into work on Monday already apologizing. I try to save my apologies for what I’ve done later in the week.

Don’t be afraid to fail. You’re going to go on a million auditions, and most of them you won’t get. It’s very easy to think, ‘This is not going to work for me,’ but keep at it. It’s very generic advice, but you have to be willing to keep yourself in the game.

I’m a big crier in general. The right life insurance commercial will take me out for a couple of days.

Theres nothing like taking two flights when you have a horrible hangover. Its bad when people can see actual alcohol seeping out of your disgusting pores.

Mark Wahlberg, when I was in high school, people were like, ‘You look like Marky Mark!’ Then as I got older, they were like, ‘You look like Donnie Wahlberg.’ Now they’re like, ‘You look like Donnie Wahlberg’s cousin from Massachusetts.’

I love ‘Love Actually.’ ‘Love Actually,’ there’s, like, nine stories in that movie. Three of them are good. But watching that movie, I get emotional, I get choked up, my wife makes fun of me. I don’t know if as you get older you get sappier and sentimental.

We decided we don’t use the term ‘fat’ for me. We use the term ‘juicy’ for me. My wife’s fine with it, but the rule is when I’m over double her weight, it’s over.

I do this thing at every party: I go to a party, I stand around for, like, 45 minutes, and then I turn to my wife and say, ‘I think we should go home.’ And then we leave, and then I wake up the next morning and say to my wife, ‘We don’t go out anymore.’ It’s a great trick.

The first two years I was on ‘MADtv’ were really, really fun. We always thought it was ‘Saturday Night Live’s very nice, slightly asthmatic, shorter cousin.

I’m a big crier in general. The right life insurance commercial will take me out for a couple of days. I watched Hillary Clinton on the news the other day, and I got choked up by Hillary Clinton.

I take my dog to the vet a lot because he’s old and sick, and I always step on the scale when I’m there. Let’s just say shirts that were once button-able are no longer. I’m constantly being roasted by my wife.

My first car was a 1999 red Mazda Protege.

Rules with an iron fist, but sometimes in that fist is a rose.

I wanted to be a senator from Illinois. I was obsessed with politics. My dad was friends with a lot of local politicians, so I would hang out with them on Election Day and hand out buttons. Somehow, even though they were opposite, I loved Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton. I thought they were the coolest guys!

I want to have a food truck that would just be bathrooms. I would line it up in back of the other food trucks, and I’d charge $1 for use.

I feel like we’ve already seen the burger truck, we’ve seen the lobster-roll truck. There’s even healthy-food trucks now. But a big-thick-pizza truck? Come on, man. That’d be amazing.

I used to teach improv courses in Amsterdam where we would do team-building exercises, and they can go south very quickly.

Out of the 72 kids that I went to high school with, I still talk to 25 of them on a fairly regular basis. Seven of my classmates live in L.A., and five of them are in the entertainment business, and we constantly talk and play fantasy football together.

My mentality is: I’m going to do it. I’m going to eat a lot of food, and then I’m going to complain about it when I see myself on camera.

My celeb crush is Julia Louis-Dreyfus. She’s hysterical, she’s beautiful, and she seems like a normal person. I’m in love with her.