Greg Behrendt Quotes

I went to stand-up when my rock n’ roll dreams weren’t coming true. I knew it wasn’t going to happen when I was in a New Wave band in 1992 – at the height of grunge. Then I heard No Doubt’s ‘Spiderwebs’ and I said, ‘Well, we’re done.’ They did – and succeeded at – what we were trying to do.

If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and go away.

The great thing about comedy is that the longer you’ve been alive, the more you have to talk about and the better you get. I’ve got some miles and some road savviness that some other guys don’t have.

The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric.

I don’t have a massive fan base. I don’t have Patton Oswalt numbers, but the fan base I have is incredibly generous, and of the 22,000 people who follow me on Twitter, I think almost all of those people participate.

I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh.

The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.

There’s a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

I’ve never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

Here’s something else to think about: calling when you say you’re going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can’t lay this one stupid brick down, you ain’t never gonna have a house baby, and it’s cold outside.

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, ‘Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!’

I don’t know” means “NO!” “I don’t know” means “I’m too cowardly to tell you the truth because I can’t deal with confrontation.” “I don’t know” means please do the dirty work for me because I don’t want to hurt your feelings even more then I already have.

Part of being a comedian is that it’s your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves

I was always funny, but I wasn’t a great musician, and I wanted to be a musician way more than I wanted to be a comic. I just didn’t think comedians were cool when I was a kid.

Most comics worship music on some level. It’s more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

Don’t you want the guy who’ll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?

Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.

If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.

Busy’ is another word for ‘asshole’. ‘Asshole’ is another word for the guy you’re dating.

I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it.

I think probably – I think, you know, when you’re first dating somebody, if they’re just not that physical with you, if they don’t want to make concrete plans with you, you know, if they’re sort of ambiguous about where everything is going, I think that’s a pretty good sign that they’re not into you.

Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you

Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.

If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.

Social media is a really cool way to tell your story to people who are interested in hearing it. It’s not getting put through the filter of a television executive who’s decided you’re too old to justify the expenditure.

I do think that you can dress yourself out of a problem. The way that a haircut and a new pair of pants can make you feel is better than any therapist, because when you look in the mirror, you see a different person – you are a different person. It’s superficial change that can lead to real change.

There’s nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you’re busy or just want to flirt, but it’s hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree.

Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.