Frank Carson Quotes.
The thirties were troublesome in Belfast, and then of course there was no work for people, and it was terribly religiously divided.
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
What’s the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
My wife went into the butchers and said: “You’ve a sheep’s head in your window.” The butcher said: “That’s a mirror.”
What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
An Irishman’s wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
A man walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got any Viagra?” “Do you have a prescription?” asks the chemist. “No,” he replies, “But ‘I’ve got a photograph of the wife.”
A man up in front of a judge says “I don’t recognise this court.” “Why not?” “It’s been redecorated since the last time I was here.”
A girl asks her doctor, “Doctor, I’ve forgotten to take my contradictory pill!” The doctor says: “Are you ignorant?” The girl says: “Yes, three months!”
So I rang up British Telecom, I said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’, he said ‘Not you again’.
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. “Oh dear,” she says, “Not the breathalyser again.”
People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don’t vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.
I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: “What way did you come in?”
There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: “I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.”
A man says to the doctor: “What’s the good news?” “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” He says: “What’s the bad news?” The doctor says: “We should have told you yesterday.”
I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: “It takes four hours.” I asked why and he said: “It keeps turning off the gas.”
Most of my jokes are racist – usually about the Irish.
My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside “made around the corner.”
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: “You can’t eat your own food in here.” So they swapped sandwiches.
