Daniel Tosh Quotes

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

This is what I say to the most conservative person that’s so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it’s legal, it’s not like God’s going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.

I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it’s an HIV test.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

I actually got a part in ‘The Love Guru’, that Mike Myers film. I heard it’s awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I’m quite proud of, but I still haven’t seen it. I have no plans to branch out.

It’s all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, ‘I’m just going to buy a house.’

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I’ll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.

Technically it’s not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I’m really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I’m not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don’t really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

I don’t know, maybe I’m immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she’s in the shower.

I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: ‘First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.’

It’s funny… you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood’s looks? That’s like the one thing… the line you are not to cross.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

They say money doesn’t buy happiness. That phrase should end with ‘just kidding’.

Stop saying you’re not racist because you have a friend that’s black. That’s like saying you’re not a pedophile because you have a friend that’s a kid.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I’m gonna be pissed.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don’t go anywhere, but you still get paid.

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It’s beyond my comprehension.

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so… I’m fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

I don’t know why I get away with some things. But I’m not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go ‘God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They’re fast. Back to you Bob.’

Sometimes, when I’m feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, ‘Hey, at least I’m not pregnant.’

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn’t make me cooler. And a lot of you are like ‘that’s cause you were homeschooled’.

I have voices in my head, but they’re all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they’re saying.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i’m a registered sex offender.

I’ll tell you what’s better than watching the sunrise… Sleeping through it.