Allan Sherman Quotes

Anyone who calls it “sexual intercourse” can’t possibly be interested in actually doing it. You might as well announce you’re ready for lunch by proclaiming, “I’d like to do some masticating and enzyme secreting.”

Grandma cheated whenever she could. She cheated because it was a much more scientific and surer way of winning than trusting to luck.

In Hollywood if you are not working, you are a leper. True, you are probably living in the most expensive leper colony in the world.

Teacher, teacher, I declare, I see your purple underwear.

I didn’t decide I was crazy until 1952. That’s when I began making a steady salary and could afford to be crazy.

Love is lovelier the 7th time around.

There’s Beatles books and T-shirts and rings, and one thing and another. To buy my daughter all these things, I had to sell her brother.

I was having trouble making ends meet, and my beginnings weren’t meeting either.

Success is like winning the sweepstakes or getting killed in an automobile crash. It always happens to somebody else.

Our act started at the bottom and went downhill.

Do not make a stingy sandwich; pile the cold cuts high; so you should see salami coming through the rye.

Even if Scrabble had been invented then, I wouldn’t have wanted to play Scrabble, because the highest triple word score in the world would not have expressed how much I liked the game Natalie and I played every afternoon.

Well, you might as well imitate your own program because if you don’t, someone else will.

I had moved out of the Edison Hotel because I couldn’t pay the bill and was living at the Lincoln Hotel, where I couldn’t pay the bill either, but it was cheaper.

When the great history of trouble is written, my family will stand extremely high in the table of contents.

The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so little to recommend it.

You may be wondering why I went from over there to over here. Well, that was choreography.

You want to fall in love with a shoe, go ahead. A shoe can’t love you back, but, on the other hand, a shoe can’t hurt you too deeply either. And there are so many nice-looking shoes.

It’s a play where something went wrong, ‘Cause it’s five hours, twelve minutes long. If you sit there, my friend, From beginning ’til end, Then your bladder better be strong!

A “Normal” person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, “Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray.”